Have you hugged your gollum?

During times of stress, people have many different ways to comfort themselves. It can be food, alcohol, sweets, cigarettes, exercise (for the righteous), or in my case, science fiction movies. Ahhhh, nothing calms the nerves and takes away the worry like a completely fictional story. So lately, I have been taking a nice long drags off of The Lord of the Rings.

The music, the scenery, the mythical location and magic all make me feel utterly transported. But rather than dwelling on all those lovely elves and charming hobbits, the character I have really been thinking about lately is Gollum. He is all that is loathsome, rotten, and vexing. Utterly self-serving and a slave to the ring, he cannot consider others…He exists only to satisfy himself and will remove any obstacle that gets in his way.

At one point in the movie, Frodo is upset that Gollum is on his path. He wishes that Bilbo would have just killed him when he had the chance. But, Gandalf leans over and says to Frodo, “Do not be so eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over.”

OK, ok, I know it’s fantasy, but truths can come from anywhere. Maybe it’s the holidays, maybe it’s increased sentimentality, but I have been thinking about it for days. How many Gollums have I had? I often just wish these things that challenge, frustrate, and freak me out would simply go away. But, they don’t. And maybe there’s a lesson there. It may be necessary to accept something that is bothering me instead of running from it.

There are many circumstances and situations that I really wish never happened. But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Now, having gone through those situations….I have actually emerged with more patience, understanding, and even appreciation.

So who or what is your Gollum? Is there a person or circumstance in your life that has been a source of discomfort? Maybe we need to thank our Gollums. Because you never know who or what, in the end, is going to bite your finger off and save your life.

The Yin and Yang of it

I just read an article in the Boston Globe Magazine by Kara Baskin about how nauseatingly happy everyone on Facebook is, or pretending to be. It’s one big “Look at how cute my puppy is! See how awesomely psyched we are!” The truth is, no one wants to put up the bad stuff. Who wants to put up a photo of yourself in the jeans that you can’t zip, a screaming child in a grocery cart, or a depressed face staring at the television?

Well, I’ll have a go. Yin and Yang or, in this case, Yang and Yin.

Yang: There is some amazing stuff happening for Erik and me. We are so close to something we can almost touch it. The blog is doing great, the movie is truly amazing, and the job site is coming together…The payoff for this will be a business that has been completely developed through self-financing, the generous time and work of friends, and the parents helping out twice. And I will never lose sight of those blessings.

Yin: This has been no all-day party in a bouncy castle. Erik is busting his ass. He works all day and night. The freelance to finance us means no breaks. None. But, did I mention no breaks? Weekends, holidays, 5 am, 2 am. And, if Erik has no breaks, then I have no breaks. I enjoy being a stay at home mom, but I am no Mother Teresa or Mary Poppins. I am neither a saint nor a work of fiction. I am real, I have bad days, I get upset.

Yang: We are lucky to have health insurance coverage.

Yin: Our health insurance cost is tragicomedy ridiculous. We get so little for what we pay. I filled an Rx the other day and the co-pay was $50.00, AND we already pay over a grand for our monthly premium. I almost cried at the pharmacy. I looked up at the check-out person and said “Really?” and he replied with a wince, “Yup.” And I mean really, If our society can’t figure out this healthcare thing…we are truly pathetic.

Yang: We are bootstrapping a business. There is a great deal of pride in knowing that we are actually doing this. When we look back, we will never have to say, “I wonder what would have happened if…”

Yin: There is the stress of no financial routine. I am a creature of habit and I love predictability. These days, it’s all sweating by the seat of our pants. No regular paycheck means the days tick off like a gruesome metronome until M-Day. Mortgage. Erik and I have this lip biting look we give each other – It’s a cross between I know we can do this, and holy shit.

Yang: There are actually humans out there who provide services and possess a soul. I believe Lenny our mechanic is the leading example. When we went to pay for our car brakes with plastic he said, “I don’t believe in credit cards, have run my business 30 years without ‘em. You can post date me a check if you need to.” And God Bless Lenny.

Yin: I had 3 credit cards that I had paid off years ago. They had a combined excellent available credit that I was saving for a rainy day. Now that it’s raining, the majority of our available credit limit has disappeared. After all of those years of responsible payment and good credit standing, and when I really needed it…poof.

I could keep going – But, I think that’s enough for now. Yin and Yang. Shadow and Light. We must have both – Neither can exist without the other. And, shadows and light are what truly make the picture interesting.

Proud and Happy

I was watching an American Masters show the other night about Garrison Keillor. I love how he tells stories. As Erik says, he is the perfect combination of talents. He writes amazing stories, then can read those stories with a voice that draws you in. In the show he said something that stuck with me. “You don’t really know how you feel about something until you write it down.” It’s true. It isn’t until I commit pen to paper (or keystrokes to Pages) that I fully understand my thoughts. Once the keystroke is made, it’s like a contract with myself. The fluid random arguments in my head become concrete. Then when I read them again I think, wow this is how I feel.

So, how do I feel? I feel pretty excited lately. But, like the Lutherans in Lake Wobegon, I am not inclined to ever show it. I’m a lot like my Mom – I never know she’s had a great time doing something, until later when my step-father tells me she’s been bragging to her bridge club about it.

Which makes me think, I need to add a little carbonation to my attitude. It’s important to let the people in my life know that I think they are awesome. That I think what they are doing is awesome. When I saw the trailer for Lemonade, I broke protocol and did just that. I jumped up and down, I kissed my husband and said – Holy Crap! This is really really good! And, seeing the job site coming together – It’s a double whammy of goodness.

Thinking about expressing joy, I happened to read an article in SI on Pablo Sandoval, the Giant’s Third Baseman/Catcher. His incredible joy about playing the game is only out-matched by his unique hitting style. According to the article by Lee Jenkins, when Pablo was playing at High A San Jose, fans were already responding to his smile and energy. Cheering his name and singing in Spanish to his entrance music, he asked his host mother, “Mami, why do they like me so?” She said that his joy and exuberance engendered affection.

Fans also responded to the way he hits. Without being patient, without waiting for the perfect pitch, he just swings from the heels and currently has a .329 average. Pablo describes his hitting philosophy as, “see the little white thing and swing.” In light of all this, he is constantly being told by management to wait for the best pitch. Be selective. But, he can’t help himself. The article tells this story, “Last season against the Padres he jumped in the air to hit a Jake Peavy pitch that was over his head and tomahawked it into left field for a single.” Awesome.

I need a little of that. I need to show my joy when I am playing with my kids. I need to tell my husband that I am proud of him. I need to lose the furrowed brow. I had a recruiter tell me years ago that I needed to smile more in interviews. Apparently, when I was interviewing, HR people were reporting that I looked mad and uninterested. That wasn’t what I was feeling at all! I was simply trying to be serious in those interviews, thinking that was the appropriate countenance. Thank God she told my to lighten up!

So now that I have written it down, how do I feel? I need to share a little more joy. I need to complain less. It’s not a sin to be proud and happy. It’s kinda fun.

I Get by with a Little Help from my Friends

I have great friends.  First, I’d like to tell you about one I met in Boston…let’s call her, for the sake of this story, Christina Braun.  If she posted a personals ad it would read as follows:  Likes:  Organized storage, efficient cataloging, well composed decor and kept schedules.  Dislikes:  Traffic violators, poorly mixed martinis and slackers.

She’s one of those friends who is great in every situation.  She’s 1/2 German and 1/2 Irish, which means she’s way more organized than me and twice the fun.  If you are moving, she shows up with boxes, tape, iced coffee and her label maker.  If you have a bad day – or a bad boyfriend – she will take you to a bar like the Linwood on Kilmarnock, proceed to throw back a few, and laugh at you the next day for dropping trou to show off your tattoo to total strangers.

Next, I’d like to tell you about Patty.  She’s my best friend since High School.  Ahhhh, the stories I could tell.  Lucky, we were never arrested or questioned and somehow came out alive.  She is the kind of friend I can call at any hour, drunk or sober.  I can tell her everything from the grossest medical condition to the happiest moments of my life.  Which, oddly, have been the same occasion once or twice.  She’s part friend, part therapist, part co-critic and part confessional priest.

We have unlimited long distance, right?

I mention my friends because they have been my crutches lately.   As I said before, the life of an unemployed married couple can be a roller coaster at best.  One of my coping techniques is long distance phone call therapy.  My husband doesn’t always want to listen to my highly detailed worst case scenario fantasies.  But, Patty and Christina do. That’s what friends (of obsessive compulsive worriers) are for.

Truly though, my friends listen. And they make me laugh at what sometimes seems unlaughable.  They have been a source of comfort and encouragement every step of the way.  I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t pick up the phone and call them.

The Human Resource

Since Erik and I have started this unemployment adventure, it has been exciting and a little scary.  The one constant throughout has been great people.  I have relied on my old friends and made some great new friends along the way.  Erik especially has witnessed the power of the people.  All of the new friends who shared their stories for Lemonade.  All of the people that donated their time and talents…I am just amazed by their generosity.  Sometimes friends happen like well tossed life preservers.

Something is lost but something is gained in living everyday

I have to pull out the Joni Mitchell for this.  Things change.  Erik and I have lost some stuff and jobs.  But, our friends have been constant.  New and old.  I truly value the human resource.  I love what we have gained.  And lately, I am not missing what we have lost.

Unemployment and Marriage

I Googled Unemployment and Marriage.  The combination did not produce the results I wanted.  So, I typed Unemployment and Relationships.  Again, not quite what I was looking for.  It seems Google can’t read my mind…yet.

But I have been wondering about how the current state of unemployment is effecting couples.  For us, it’s a roller coaster at best.  There are days that I feel like we are blazing a trail for self reliance.  Then there are days of missing a regular agency paycheck.  With kids and a mortgage in the mix – the days of missing a regular paycheck can seem longer.

It’s impossible to be in a relationship and not have money on the mind lately.  People losing jobs, taking cuts and watching their portfolios dwindle.  I have friends and family who are making tough decisions about their futures as I type.  It seems the old model of work hard and save has been smashed to pieces.

So how does one keep from freaking out about money everyday and keep relationships together?

Talking to my spouse is better than brooding

I come from a long tradition of bottle-it-all-up-inside-and-release-at-the-most-inappropriate-moment.  In this current situation it’s the worst thing I can do.  Pacing and muttering tends to not go over well with Erik either.  It’s an open dialogue about fears that has kept me from freaking out completely.  Somehow just the act of talking can take the edge off.

Breathe, It will all be ok…I hope

I have been taking stock in what can’t be priced.  My family is healthy.  We have friends and family that can help. I can get movies and books from the library.  I can take the kids to the playground.  I can bake with my kids and watch them scream and jump over chocolate chip cookies.  I can arm my kids with squirt guns and let them entertain themselves.  In fact, my kids are 3 and 5, they get excited when I get out the vacuum cleaner.

Fighting about money is too easy

Somewhere I think everyone has heard that the number one thing couples fight about is money.  Yuck, who wants to be included in that statistic.  So I try to realistically and maturely relay my concerns.  I would hate to think that I was so spiritually deprived that I let the root of all evil infect my relationship.

Anyplace that has my family in it is a home

I think about what would happen if we lost our home.  I’d be lying if I said that it wouldn’t suck.  Because it would.  But, it would not be the end of the world.  It would be an evolution for survival.  Downsizing by Darwin.

We always get parking

In a previous post Erik pointed out how he always gets parking. He just says it out loud a couple of times, and I swear the cars actually part.  And every time I feel like shouting financial “UNCLE!”  – something amazing will happen.  It may not always happen as quickly as I like for my disposition.  But it does happen.

Any relationship is hard work.  One of the best thing I can give my marriage is a willingness to work at it.  Luckily, I have a partner who feels the same way.  The work may evolve over time but the effort given is always the same.  And that is crucial when the road starts to go uphill.  That’s all I can ask for and I am lucky.

Married to it

When I met Erik, I was a PBS junkie with a 13” TV and no cable. I didn’t know anything about advertising before then. Ads? Hrumph. My television was small and my superiority complex huge.

His most brazen act was ordering cable unilaterally. I married into the world of modern media and marketing, sports programming and plasma. Our life was now in dazzling HD. For better or for worse.

It’s been over a decade since he indoctrinated me to all things media. Now I’m an active participant of advertising in all its forms.  Erik’s career is a source of proud achievement and miserable frustration for both of us.  I, too, am part of  the countless, thankless hours.  I feel the admiration and competition for the holy grail awards.  I get crushed when all the hard work is scrapped in the eleventh hour.

In many ways, unemployment has been more manageable for us than employment.

Ads Are Not The Only Ideas
One of the hardest aspects about advertising that I have observed is the combination of creativity and business.  It’s a tough equation to please everyone, be proud of what you do and pay the mortgage.  But when I ask Erik what he loves about such a highly critical and demanding industry, his reply is simple: “Coming up with ideas.”

I can’t argue with that.

Coming up with ideas can take many forms.  Maybe forms that don’t require so much criticism, think-tanking and research.  Maybe something that doesn’t deliver such tactical blows to a creative’s self esteem.  I sure would love that.

Maybe the next form of advertising will be completely different.  Maybe it won’t be a tag line and a picture.  Maybe it will be wide-ranging, networked and evolved.  A shared consciousness on line (is my Star Trek showing?).  Who knows?

So now it seems there are things on the horizon in addition to advertising.  I am perfectly content with that but, my spouse may feel differently.

For now,  I am married to an unemployed ad guy turned blogger who is coming up with ideas.  The future is both cool and uncertain.  For better or for worse.