When it’s a family bathroom morning,

and you can’t courtesy flush because the tank is empty from the previous flusher, and it’s not refilling cause someone is in the shower, don’t move.  Stay where you are and just cap it, for the group.

Screw modesty

I’m gonna get one of those giant double airport-restroom toilet paper wheels installed in our bathroom.

eyes on the prize

Ya know how Indiana Jones sweats it out, hops through ancient booby trapped caves, jumps onto the right stones so as not to set off hundreds of poison arrows, then ends up with a priceless treasure of antiquity? That’s pretty much how I hop around our upstairs so as not to wake the kids with a squeaky floorboard. Only, I’m not nearly as cool, I’m in mismatched flannel pjs, and my reward is being alone in the bathroom.

Excuse me?

So last week I went to school to pick up my son with my daughter in tow. The weather was crappy and cold. Of course, as we’re waiting outside, my daughter announces, “I gotta use the potty now!” I said, “Ok, honey, let’s head in and make it quick, ’cause your brother will be out soon.”

We get to the restroom – and it just turns into a playground for her. Checking all the stalls, trying the faucets, looking under the doors. So I say, “C’mon, let’s get this done…We have to get back out quickly.” She finally picks a stall, closes the door-several times, then starts singing. I say, “Honey, c’mon….we gotta do this quickly!!”

From the stall my 4 year old directs me…”Maaa-ahh-muh – Just relax!”

This is me shaking my head.

Progress

The most lovely sound in the world? A toilet being flushed and I was no way involved.

Can I cancel the marching band now?

Since my daughter has been potty trained for 1/2 a year – could we stop the celebrating? I don’t want to crush any developing feelings of self-esteem but really, this is not performance art.

The Bathroom is not a conference room

We have an issue in our house. That issue is privacy. We have none. At some point, my husband and I need to explain to our kids, and each other, that a closed door means something. It means, there’s stuff goin’ on in here that you don’t need to know about. It means, it’s my turn Buster…I’ll be frank, we have 1 bathroom and 4 asses. Our situation can get as desperate as a Hot Pocket sample line at Costco.

I have to admit, a small part of me appreciates the lack of shame and modesty. We are all humans after all. But, geez there comes a point. I can’t send my children into the world thinking they can just barge into an occupied bathroom. So, I would like to go on record…I would like to make a formal apology to the future partner of each of my kids. If they don’t respect boundaries – it’s my fault.

So my husband actually daydreams about having another bathroom in the basement. But, ya know at least we have a bathroom. If my older relatives were here, they’d laugh. They’d tell us brutal outhouse stories. Something about freezing cold mornings, toilet paper made from Sears catalogs, and giant spiders. They would describe it as a character building experience. I certainly don’t doubt that it was.

So until that second bathroom arrives, if you are visiting us….Please take a number, and I wouldn’t have that second cup of coffee if I were you.