honesty is usally encouraged

Mom, stop trying to be cool, you’re annoying me.

Sh*t I think about

So because I’m a stay-at-home mom.  I think about some weird sh*t.  I know I’m not alone in playing out these freakish catastrophe drills in my brain.  Other mom’s have told me about their own (as like to call them) disaster fantasies.  Worst case scenarios.  For example:  A mom’s alone with her kids, the kids are trapped in the bathroom.   The mom lies at the bottom of the stairs semi-unconscious, probably bleeding, and unable to murmur a weak “help” to the postman who is just on the other side of the front door.  The postman hesitates, just for a moment, because he thinks he hears something – but no.  In this scenario, I am  the mom is able to scratch one finger nail against the door, but no one hears me her…no one hears….

For arguments sake let’s say this happens.  Only, the kids are not locked in the bathroom, and the mom is not semi-unconscious by the front door.  She’s semi-unconscious in the bathroom – so the kids aren’t worried, they just think she’s hiding and crying while reading the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, again.

When I think about this scene – It’s so much better than 2 years ago, because now my kids are 7 and 5.   I actually breathed a sigh of relief the other day thinking about this.

• They know where the cups are, and that the fridge has milk and juice boxes. (They won’t dehydrate.)
• They know where the Cheez-its are, as well as, Fig Newtons, Saltines, String Cheese, and Salami. (They won’t starve.)
• They know how to use the toilet (The house won’t be turned into a cat-lady style litter box.)
• They don’t know where the extra toilet paper is…but one of my kids, I won’t say which, discovered that any cloth-type surface, disposable or not, will work in a pinch.  (They won’t be filthy cave-children.)
• My youngest has figured out how to make chocolate milk and use the microwave.  I think she’s planning for disaster, too.  She also knows where I hide the mini-marshmallows.  (My youngest won’t whine.)
• They know where the band-aids and Neosporin are.  (Small cuts won’t turn into gangrene.)
• Not only do they know how to turn on the tv – they can switch input sources from the 1st remote for dvd, apple tv, and network.  They can select channels from the 2nd remote,  and apple tv movies and youtube from the 3rd remote.  (They’ll be entertained until help arrives.)
• They know that Netflix On-Demand is free, and premier movies are NOT.  (We won’t be charged for watching “Despicable Me” 30 times.)

At this point, my husband returns home…or the kids miss school, and help will arrive.  I am either dead, or shall awaken from a mild-concussion induced, yet exceptionally restful sleep.

Either way – the kids are okay.  And I thank God.

Sometimes, I lock myself in the bathroom and look at magazines with pictures of really clean houses.

i googled “mom” and this was the first item

How to make a 43 year-old slightly cynical mother of 2 melt into a puddle of gelatinous love.

Local stay-at-home mom puts on crisp white shirt. She was reported as saying: wow, that looks nice.

If moms designed cars, they would come with toasters, standard.

Day

6:48 am : giant mug of coffee.  well, I figured something out – my absolutely worst (and most private) eating happens with PMS.  To some extent I always knew this…but in my 40′s the cravings have seemingly mutated.  Here’s the thing, most of the PMS binge eating happens after 4 pm, after not eating healthy all day, and no exercise, AND without having to blog about it for people to read (including my husband).  We will see.  Which force is greater?  PMS cravings or internet exposure? I have approximately 23 days until I’m put to the test again…

It’s like this:

In the Lord of the Rings when Frodo offers the one Ring to Galadriel then she flips out and turns into a dark green monster queen…picture the same scene, but with a Twix Bar.

8:08 am : whole wheat toast with soynut butter and ginger mango smoothie (frozen mango chunks (Trader Joe’s has big bags, cheap), juice packed lite peaches, greek 0% fat yogurt, dry ginger, little apple juice to mix, protein powder)

9:00 am : Asked husband to purchase, hand out and manage the Halloween candy – I can’t be trusted.

12:00 pm:  went to grocery store and picked up stuff, including halloween candy.  But NO Twix bars.  Those I can’t resist.  If there was only one candy bar manufactured I’d want it to be Twix.  Lunch: Frozen Salmon burger, leftover veggie brown rice with a little red curry sauce, peas.  water

3:30 pm : Exercise 1 hour hike with family.  Stopped at Friendly’s for bite.  Not much there for a person trying to cut back on sugar and fat.  Had a grilled chicken sandwich ate 1/4 of the bun, no sauce and a side salad instead of fries…which cost an extra 2 dollars.  water

4:20 Hot Red Rooibus tea.

Dinner tonight will be pan cooked veal cutlets.  Disclaimer:  We get all our eggs/beef/pork/lamb from the Houde Family Farm in Vermont who produces responsible grass fed meat.  The veal is not penned.  They keep the calf for about a year with the herd.  So, dinner also includes brown rice, steamed broccoli, cauliflower and Tonton ginger sauce.

6:00 pm :  had seconds of dinner – piled up the brown rice and veggies…..if i’m going to overeat – make it the good stuff.  I think that’s it for today…if I have anything else it would be tea and/or some grapes.

halloween is tomorrow…..candy candy candy

day 2

5:48 am : Did not eat and watch tv last night, well, I watched tv, “Objectified,” great documentary about design.  Going for a walk after coffee.  Going to get proper shoes today.  Halloween party at kid’s school – pray for me. These candy holidays are brutal.

7:45 am : Breakfast sandwich: whole wheat toast with olive oil fried egg, piled up spinach and salsa, mmmmmmm salsa.  Pace, it’s the best commercial salsa.  All normal ingredients, nice and thick with NO high fructose corn syrup or sugar.  Medium has a nice little kick to it.  Buckets of coffee with 1% milk, no sweetener – I read that artificial sweeteners can trigger a “sweet response” – don’t need that before noon.  Again – have Halloween party at Ben’s school – candy, cupcakes, cookies.  I’m gonna feel like a gambling addict at the track with my horse posted as the favorite and my wallet only mildly glued shut.

12:13 pm :  Back from running errands. Hungry, but have some housework to do – crammed down toast with soynut butter and a banana.  Water and more water.  Helpful lady at the running shoe store asked to observe me running to check my feet.  I scowled, “you mean, here? now?”  She asked if that would be okay..I said, “You want me to run, outside?”  I panicked.  I thought she wanted me to run up the street from the congested intersection, an intersection with lots of bored staring eyes.  I broke a sweat and looked at my feet. In a calm voice she said,  “Oh, no, no.  We have a treadmill in the store.”         “Ahhhhhhhh,”  I said.

12:45 pm :  eating COSTCO salmon burger over bagged broccoli slaw and some bagged lettuce that has seen better days.  Dressed with Marie’s yogurt ranch dressing.

3:26 pm : Friday afternoon kids home…there was no Halloween party at school, just a craft.  I ended up not going to the craft and just saw the kid’s costume parade.  Want to eat an entire bag of cheddar Quakes…which will send me down a slippery slope.  Eating an apple, and if that doesn’t work…1/2 turkey sandwich with some cottage cheese on the side.

4:30 pm : Ate the sandwich, cottage cheese and more apple.  This is the bad time of day.  Want to eat cereal, crackers, and cookies.  Having red rooibus tea.  It’s sweet and spicy without needed anything put in it.  Have a giant batch of brown rice…not sure what’s gonna happen with that…

6:11 pm :  Dinner: Brown rice with steamed frozen edamame, chopped cauliflower, broccoli, and spinach mixed up with a little low sodium chicken broth and leftover red curry sauce from take out. Not bad – couple of peanuts for garnish.  Very filling…that beans veggies and rice.

7:15 pm : ate the leftover grapes from Clara’s dinner – GOD this is a pain in the ass writing everything down.  Will have tea later….something with an unregulated herbal sedative, preferably.

8:11 pm :  Argh.  Going to make hot-air popped popcorn with artificial something on it.  Want to watch Nightmare before Christmas with husband.

9:53 :  Popcorn not too bad.  Dry, even with spray stuff though.  Didn’t watch Nightmare before Christmas – But did lose appetite after watching 25 minutes of “District 9.”  No tea.    To bed.  Commencing nightmares about crayfish.

No, I don’t have a baby in my tummy

That was the answer to the question my daughter asked me this morning.  I kindly told her no.  Then I looked at my husband and told him what she’d asked.  It’s funny, sure.  But it really bummed me out – Yes, I need to lose a few pounds.  Anyway, he kindly reassured me that I do not look pregnant.  But wow.  SO – I am going to start a diary about the state of my condition and what I’m gonna do about it.  I know what has to be done….it’s the lack of accountability that gets me into trouble.  So, full exposure is my plan for motivation.  If I eat 10 Strawberry Newtons and a 1/2 a pack of graham crackers with a glass of milk at 11:30 pm while watching Sleepless in Seattle – well then, I just have to fess up.  Also, if I exercise and eat healthy then I can proudly post it.

See, I’ve tried lots of stuff – But right now I don’t want to join a program, don’t really have the spare cash.  I also don’t have tons of time to keep tons of track.  I do know what I have to do.  And, I do have time to blog quickly and blurt out what I’ve done or haven’t done….and maybe this adventure might help someone else who’s in the same boat.

9:00 am – This morning I ate a bowl of Kashi 7 grain nuggets with Fage’ yogurt and with 1/2 banana, frozen blueberries and a couple light canned peaches packed with juice only.  Now I’m going for a walk and will do some light free weights when I get back.    I also drank 2 mugs of coffee with 1% milk.  I hate skim in my coffee and soymilk is OUT of the question – I have tried, dear God I have tried, but I just can’t drink soymilk…accept and move on.

11:00 am :  Went for 35 min walk, used 6lb dumbbells – did bicep/tricep/shoulder thing for 10 min. Drank 3 glasses of water.  Need to go to store to get stuff to eat that’s not crackers and cheese.

12:00 pm : running late for volunteer work at school had unsweetened applesauce for lunch over the sink.  Yes, I was still very hungry.

1:30 pm : Grocery shopped for: frozen broccoli to mix with brown rice, broccoli/cabbage slaw, spinach, frozen edamame, soynut butter, greek no fat plain yogurt, black autumn seedless grapes (a bushel),  beans for double bean chili, popcorn to hot air pop – and I’m gonna try some of that popcorn spray – I hate the idea of shellacking my popcorn with God knows what – but hot air popped popcorn is a good filler, and there’s nothing in that spray that’s gonna put on weight, maybe grow an extra eye – but no weight, so let’s keep on the sunny side.

4:00 came home from picking up kids n’ stuff – so hungry.  Ate whole wheat toast with soynut butter and 1/2 banana.  The soynut butter didn’t suck like I thought it would.  Doesn’t taste like almond/peanut butter – tastes like toasted soy beans..which I like, so that works.  Drank 2 giant glasses of water.

4:42 pm :  eating the leftover apple slices from both my kid’s lunches.

4:45 pm : hot green tea

5:50 pm : took kids to mcdonald’s for dinner and I didn’t eat ANY of it.  I am having peas and brown rice with some black bean/beef chili on top, with a tiny little bit of grated cheddar  – then tea later.  Gonna try not to eat after dinner – if i do…it will be hot air popped popcorn or grapes (great piles of either, until I get used to this)